Quick and Quixotic

Giving up, but still giving

2008-06-11T07:02:00.000-07:00

Why do people stay in a state of unhappiness? I'm back to feeling how I felt for most of last year.
I love things that are simple. I am here. This is where I go to work, this is my group of friends, these are my hobbies, and these are my morals.
The boy in my life is here, there, over here, way way way over there...everywhere. He is all over the place. I spent a year of my life, chasing, trying to keep up, only to discover things that crushed me.
And now, I just give up.

I'm staying here.
Just here.

Getting Used to Things

2008-06-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

My dog says "I Love You" more than my boyfriend.

Being an Idealist

2008-05-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

I hate my ideas.

I cashed in someone who was priceless for a whole bunch of ideas...and that's all they were. Ideas.

Now I walk back into my old life, to find that it's not mine at all anymore.
The front porch swing, big backyard, dog, and comfort didn't wait for me to realize that it was what makes life worth living.
I traded in for a one room petless apartment in a world of lies, dishonesty, and chaos.
And I got my heart broken along the way.

I am leaving for Greece in four days...and it can't come soon enough.
My best friend says "Suck it up".

I'd color the sky with you, and let you choose the blue

2008-05-07T13:45:00.001-07:00

Why do we have to leave the things that make us happiest to realize those are the things that make up happiest?

Saying goodbye and letting go of the one person you trust with your whole heart is so hard. It's so hard to put yourself back out there knowing that there is a possibility that you will never find someone who will love you like they did.

I found an old journal last night. Well, actually a more recent one that I seemed to forget about somehow. I read four pages that were written in between the other entries spread out over a year that read "You're never here for me...you're never here" over and over again. How I ended up in this same spot, thinking the same things is beyond me.

And again,
sometimes, you have to leave the things you love the most to realize those are the things you love the most...

to realize...
those things moved on with their hearts and shut the door.
And it's all too little, too late.

New York, I Love You, but I"M OUT

2008-05-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

and I'm living the life.

Hold on to these moments as they pass

2008-04-29T08:18:00.001-07:00

There's an awful lot of oysters, but just a few pearls.

The Greatest

2008-04-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

When you are in something, it's hard to see how it will affect you in the future. Even when we think we are planning ahead...there really is no such thing as being prepared for what it will bring.

Have you ever had someone in your life that you cared for and held in higher regard more than anything? And has it ever hit you, like a ton of bricks, that no matter what, you will never be able to repay that person for all the love and sacrafices they have made for you?

It hit me today.

How do you repay the one person all the good they have brought you?
It's really priceless.

It made me so sad today, because I couldn't articulate this point over the phone.

And for the first time ever, tonight, I felt over my ex boyfriend. Like really, over him.
It wasn't relieving.
In fact, it made me sad because a part of me died, and I put it down myself, without even really trying.
This is strange. I can't believe it is so over....I actually don't even want him in my life.
I've never felt this way before. Why does it make me sad that I don't want him?

White Gerber Daisies

2008-04-27T22:57:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants a piece of you when they know you're leaving.

I meant what I said

2008-04-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn is too loud again, damnit.

What has happened to my immune system...seriously.

Fuuuuuuuuck.

Hey Jesse, this is for you

2008-04-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

"Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything.

What you feel only matters to you.

It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts." The Last Kiss

Don't trip, take a trip

2008-04-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

My days are jammed packed. I'm going crazy over here.

I read something somewhere about how hard it is to understand other people...and that we can only relate in the sense of how we feel. Hmm, Let me try to explain...like we can try to put ourselves in someone else's situation, but we can really only experience their situation through how our previous experiences have affected us. I have no idea if that made sense, but I get it.
Have you ever tried to understand someone by adopting their traits, habits, actions?
I have noticed, that the results are always different...or maybe they are all the same, they just hit people at different points

It's 3:30am, on a random Wednesday night. The past few months, I have found myself, or deliberately put myself in some of the most bizarre situations.
Bizarre is the bset word I can think of right now.

Alcohol is such a scapegoat.

I saw that

2008-04-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

Oh goddamn people
now I remember why I quit my LiveJournal back in high school.

geeeeezs
hah

New York is for Lovers

2008-04-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

You can take on a new point of view of the city when you have no where to be and no one to see.

I aimlessly walked across the island today with no destination in mind. I was able to cross streets just to stay in the sun...and whenever there was a stop light for one direction, I would just turn and take the other.
New York City is for lovers in the summer. All the resteraunt doors open up and let the fresh air in and start to defrost from the brutally cold winter. And here in New York, everyone is cold in the winter. But the cafes put their tables back out on the sidewalks and the girls bring out their sundresses and everything warms right back up when the weather starts to change.
I've been going out obessively lately. Staying out all hours of the night, talking to strangers, meeting people. Tonight will be my first night in in quite some time. It's so funny, the ways we find to distract ourselves from real decisions we have to make. It's also, so easy. That is what tonight is for though...a night for no distractions.

And I find myself wishing I could go and sit on Roosevelt Island void of all distractions, but it doesn't seem so worth it.

I've met more people in the past two months than I have in the past year. I met a boy who owns two road bikes...and we rode down to the Brooklyn Bridge the other day for a picnic. I've found myself in random basements in SoHo for shows and sitting in cheap dingy bars down by Delancy. I've wound up with bloody noses, ripped tights and destroyed ankles.

And that's just it. This city is for lovers, for someone to share your random days and nights with and laugh about them with. Otherwise, you will just collect a huge list of random, half ass aquitances/friends that are more or less interesting than the next you will meet.

I love being a tomboy

2008-04-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn is so fuckin loud. SO LOUD.

I woke up this morning with the worst hangover I've ever ever had. I am still in the same spot as I was at 5am when I got home and passed out.

The strangest, most ironic things have been happening to me the past few days. The number one being a random letter from my pen pal, reading my mind.

Shawn says it's all about timing....timing right now is so bizarre for me.

Three days to go.

I did get a new sundress that in my eyes, it to die for, from Free People.

I can't figure out how to post full pictures on here...and I am too lazy to try to figure it out.

Andrea shot some pictures of me yesterday:

Take a trip

2008-04-11T17:41:00.000-07:00

Very often, I get discouraged when it comes to lugging my $2500 camera around and shooting. I mean, all throughout everyday, I catch myself thinking, "man, I wish I had my camera!" There has been so much that I have wanted to photograph lately, but taking my Canon around is like a big deal, and it's huge and heavy.
While on my trip, I ended up purchasing a cheap underwater film camera to take with me while sailing. I am starting to miss film. I have decided that, why not just purchase a couple disposable cameras, and carry them around with me at all times. I mean, it's not the best quality, and it starts to get expensive, but I will be able to capture more...and right now, I am digging the raw look film gives.

And another thing that discourages me for no real reason is being stuck in one mind set for shooting. I have been so used to shooting people and events, that I forget to just shoot. I am going to try to work on that.

And here are just a few randoms from my trip, the underwater ones should be ready soon.

Put it to me straight

2008-04-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you have to leave the things you love the most
to realize
those are the things
you love the most.

and I have no idea why

2008-04-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

I am back in New York City....

We Smell Like Campfires and That Makes Us Happy

2008-03-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

....After re-reading my latest entry...and a long, good convo with my dearest friend Amanda....
I had to delete that shit.

I started to sound and act like someone I don't want to know anymore.

My sincerest apologies....I'm really not that big of an ass.

A Language You Can't Read

2008-03-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

Break up
Break down
Drink up
Mess around
Meet one guy
then another
Fuck around to
Forget the one and
Only
Then after a few months
of total emptiness
Start again to look for
Love
Desperately look
Everywhere and after
Two years of
Loneliness
Meet a new
Love
and
Swear it's the
One
Until that new
Love
is
Gone as well

-JD

Physical Love

2008-03-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

I took on a new perspective of Manhattan.
Here's what I came up with...(Click image to see full thing)

To me, these feel cold and empty.

I am going to the beach...! I decided, why not, and my dad bought me a plane ticket to join the rest of the fam in one week.

And I know now how to determine when someone has reached their lowest point, and lowest self respect.
And all I can do about it is laugh it off and stop saying "I would never.."

As long as we walk on the sunny side

2008-03-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

I love days where ....I can sit by the water and shoot the clouds instead of the city...meet up with good friends for dinner, go to random parties in the West Village, meet new people and run into old people at bars...and can wake up at 9am the next day without the slightest bit of a hangover...and do it all again.

Oh, and I love it was finally semi-warm enough for me to wear a sundress.

Hives

2008-03-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

i have forgotten what it feels like to sleep in silence
there is a persistant humming from the BQE right outside my window
which throughout the night is drowned out by passing garbage trucks, or car alarms, or drunks, or those god damn bottle collectors that rumage through tin garbage cans along the sidewalks.

Sometimes the sounds all blend together and become indistinguishable.

It's sounds just like one qiant New York city.

Where no one gets decent sleep, ever.
In fact, this place prides itself on never sleeping...
and millions flock here, wide eyed and stunned by the glowing city lights like moths to the porch light of your childhood home. All here to play in nevernever land. And for us, this is a reality...a city where literally, anything goes...what could be better?

But there is a breaking point, sometimes sooner than later, and it effects us all differently...but our bodies can only take so much abuse and neglect...until it finds a way to rid itself of all the filth. Sometimes this is mental, sometimes this is emotional...
in my case, this is physical.

Something is wrong with my immune system.

When a doctor tells you that, it makes you want to run screaming. What does that even mean?
I couldn't miss any days of work this week, so I'd like to think I'm tough, and I sucked up the pain I was in and went on working my 12 hour days. Today I decided that all the white spots on the back of my throat were maybe getting a little out of control and the fact that I couldn't keep my fever from staying down or my hives from going away made me decide I should see a doctor.

Shady doctors in Brooklyn man...where they wear no gloves, make you sit in a dentist chair, give you injections of god knows what, and you fill out no paper work.

That happened. The injection part was a little surreal to say the very very least.

But that is all minor, at least for now, to the main point.
Something is wrong with my immune system. I'm starting to feel like a fucking hypochondriac, seriously. I've never gotten sick so many times in a short amount of time in my life. Like everything keeps attacking me and I can't fight it off. I am now having to go in for blood work first thing next week when the doctors offce reopens. They have to figure out what is wrong.

I don't even feel sick, but yet phyiscally, I apprently am, and have yet to recover fully from the first time.

Alright, alright, I get it.

Rest Easy

2008-03-18T17:42:00.000-07:00

Isn't it strange how we define how we feel/who we are by what someone else says and thinks or doesn't say and think? We are all guilty of this in some way, shape or form. Isn't it strange how we do certain things just for someone else to see and comment? Hah, like a blog.

Makes for some good motivation, for sure...but it's not all that sincere, or is it?
So what are those things, those desires and dreams you have accomplished that were solely for you? What are your motivations for where you are and why you are where you are?
What makes one person more motivated than the other? What is the deep deep seeded root to why we do the things we do?

I moved to New York City a little over a year ago. I did so on a whim, right out of college, with no money and no friends...not even one acquitance. Why did I move here? There were several reasons....on the surface I moved here to get involved with the Photography world. To see what it was about. And I have done that, I really have. I moved here to get away from my hometown and try something new, make an adverture for myself.
But I would be lying if I left it at that...if I tried to persuade that the reasons I moved here were because of me.

For 13 years of my life, I was constantly under a microscope. I was raised a preacher's daughter. A lot of times, I am ashamed to admit that...but like us all, I couldn't chose my upbringing. Some events took place, that were completely out of my control..choices that someone else made that ultimately affected the rest of my life.
See, living in the spotlight can do two things to you: make you outgoing on the surface but an insecure mess on the inside, and vise versa. I was the latter. I can be a pretty shy kid, keep to myself in a lot of situations and just smile at everyone with little to say. But on the inside, I'm full of life, full of energy and exeuberunce. My brother ended up being the first I described. But as for me, my shy shell didn't hold me back for on the inside, I felt confident. However, that confidence was very damagaed when someone important in my life made a decision that got very negative feed back. I can't help but feel the awful pain the Spitzer family is going through...tabloids and newspapers have expioted this issue to the point of no recovery.

I know that feeling.

I know what it is like to have that spotlight that once lit you up brightly, suddenly turn into a dark shadow that won't leave your side.

So, I left my home as soon as I could. I went to the biggest of cities where the biggest of shadows were cast so I could, once again, confidently walk around under them and know that none were following me. I didn't want a spotlight anymore...I didn't want to be one in a million, just one of a million. In this case, millions. I wanted to get lost.
And that I did.
I got lost.
And I still am.

And that was my motivation.

I'm not sure who's to say whether it was insincere or not because I sincerely came at this with no regret.

However, recently, it has hit me.
I really did come to NYC and get lost among the crowd. I really am just one of 8 million now.
That was driven home to me over the past few weeks when someone I thought I was close to and important to decided there were millions of others out there to try and be close to-that I wasn't special.

Now I'm starting to miss that one in a million feel.

Which brings me back to my first question:Why do we define who we are and feel by what someone else says/thinks or doesn't say/think?
And is it truely... truely, truely, truely possible for us to make decisions that are 100% based on us and only us with no previous influences?

--
Today, me and a cute boy I am working with on a job decided to have a contest on who could drink the most bottled water throughout the day. Our contest soon turned into how many times we could pee.

Today, I decided I wanted to feel, once again, like one in a million...

but that was only to counter my opposing feeling.

Everything is connected.

Karma

2008-03-07T14:56:00.000-08:00

Geezs, I can breathe again.
Welcome back.

Beginner's Luck

2008-03-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am creating this for several reasons...

to keep it simple...I am creating this blog because I realized that I have absolutely no idea what is going on out there in the internet world and I'd like to be kept up to date. So that's ya'lls goal...and I will try to provide some random thoughts for you guys to ponder every now and then as well...

So, for today here it is:

Quick:1: not dead : living, alive2: acting or capable of acting with speed: as a (1): fast in understanding, thinking, or learning : mentally agile quick< wit> (2): reacting to stimuli with speed and keen sensitivity (3): aroused immediately and intensely b (1): fast in development or occurrence (2): done or taking place with rapidity c: marked by speed, readiness, or promptness of physical movement d: inclined to hastiness e: capable of being easily and speedily prepared 3 aarchaic : not stagnant : running, flowing b: moving, shifting <quick mud>

Quixotic: 1: foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals; especially : marked by rash lofty romantic ideas or extravagantly chivalrous action2: capricious, unpredictable

Thus-the name of my blog.